It Hurts So Good….

OK another day where I need a musical intro…just cue up your John Mellencamp and let it roll while you read this one!   So I am definitely hurting a bit, but it’s a good thing.  We saw Dr. P this morning and all my little follicles are growing well!  Most of them were around 13mm today, the bigger ones were 14-14.5mm.  The great thing is that some women have a few that really grow but the rest kind of peter out, mine are all growing pretty evenly which is what they want to see.  So as happy as my doc is, I am feeling the pain and am counting the days til we are done with the stim phase.  He said my estrogen was perfect on Tuesday, hopefully it will be today too.  My next appointment is Saturday morning, we may be going in Sunday too depending on how things come along.  He also told us today that we are looking at a Tues. or Wed. retrieval.  That little light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer!

My training went really well yesterday so at least the external pressure has been released!  It think my background in drama helps me get into character even when I feel like crap.    So with the senior management team on board we will be rolling the training out to all staff in October!  With that out of the way now I can concentrate on taking care of myself which I don’t always do.  I’m proud of myself that I’m taking a half day today and tomorrow so that I can get some rest.  I highly recommend making sure you have plenty of time off accrued so you can listen to your body and scale back when needed!  In the mean time unless I hear from the doc today my Follistin, Menopur and Lupron stay the same and my ovaries keep on growing…. dang I forgot to ask the doc what fruit my ovaries are now.  I know they’re supposed to get up to the size of a lemon but they sure feel like grapefruits to me!

Pressure

Sometimes I wish I could have a musical intro to these blogs…so just imagine Billy Joel’s Pressure playing right now…..OK (and I wonder why Tosh calls me dramatic sometimes) here we go!  I have lots of pressure both internal and external today.  I have my monthly senior management meeting where I will be presenting the member service training program I have been working on for the last 9 months.  This is the program we will be rolling out to all employees in the company and today I will be doing it for the senior management team.  I know it’s good and I know I’m a great trainer, the only problem is that I’m really not feeling 100%.   The pressure on my ovaries is intense, imagine being more constipated that you’ve ever been in your life, now add menstrual cramps and pinching pain to the ovaries, then add sleepiness and mild stupidity (for some reason I feel like I just can’t focus), plus I jinxed myself yesterday and my headache is back with a vengeance.  So this project that I’ve been working on for the better part of the year comes to a head when I’m at my lowest point.  Oh well, the show must go on!  I’m just going to have to put myself in a different mindset for a few hours…and then go curl up in a ball under my desk.  Can someone please come build me a George Castanza cubby under here so I can be comfy? 

It’s funny, this is totally one of those “be careful what you ask for” moments.  I wanted lots and lots of follicles, and boy did I get them.  I know it’s a good thing and that I just have to suck it up for one more week. I was talking with one of my coworkers yesterday who went through IVF with donor eggs.  I told her now I understand why egg donors make so much, this is hell on your body.  Yesterday was my last aspirin dose so now it’s just the Follistim, Menopur and Lupron that I’m on.  I didn’t hear from the doc yesterday so my dosage stays the same.  I’m really hoping for the HCG trigger to be on Saturday which would mean I only have 2-3 more days of those left!

Bakers Dozen X 2!!

The wait is over and all went well!!!!  I got through my blood draw…Kaiser was packed this morning, I was there right at 7am and was still #51!  Then I headed over for my ultrasound, Dr. P was right on time today so there wasn’t too much of a wait.  He walked in and asked how I was doing on the meds and I told him I was well but feeling bloated.  I failed to mention that poor Tosh had to listen to me complain most of the weekend that I was crampy and sore but I figure he doesn’t need to know all those little details.  He replied, “well let’s take a look and see.”  He slid the ultrasound wand in, measured the uterine lining and then headed over to my right ovary.  Now I was most worried about that right ovary because that’s where most of my pain has been and as some of you probably remember that’s where “my little friend” was hiding out.  So when he got to the the right ovary and said, “yeah I’ll bet you are! (feeling bloated)” I looked at the screen and was beyond excited.  Fortunately after a year of trying to get pregnant I know what follicles look like and there were a ton!!!!  So he said he would measure the larger ones today, he measured 5 or 6 in the right ovary.  The largest was 13mm, most were around 11mm.  He then said, “lets just get a count of how many we have growing.”  Well he counted to 15 and stopped, he told the nurse to write down 15 (there may have been a couple more but it was hard to tell).  Then he slid over to the left ovary and pretty much the same story!  Most were around 11mm, I have 10 growing on that side.  We have 2 bakers dozens growing in there!!  So now I don’t feel so bad about complaining about my ovaries hurting, they should be hurting…and it’s a beautiful thing!!!!  He said that I was responding very well to the meds which he figured I would.  That I may hear from them later today to lower my dosage but if I don’t hear from them to just keep going ahead with my calendar.  He told me that we are looking to get the larger follicles to 20mm but some would be around 18mm.  The more follicles the better chance we have of making it to a day 5 transfer so keep your fingers crossed!

In general I’m feeling well.  I’m still tired but the headaches actually haven’t been too bad the last couple of days.  My ovaries are sore, coughing doesn’t feel good and I keep telling Tosh to take it easy on the speed bumps!  I figure if I feel like this now this weekend should be interesting.  I just keep telling myself it’s a good thing!  So hopefully all goes according to plan and our retrieval is Monday, less than a week to go!  So one more week for sushi, rare meat (I made an amazing New York steak with port sauce last night), and anything else I can’t eat while prego!  Any suggestions?

I’m Awake, Are You?

So here I sit at 6:45 on Sunday morning, my Follistim is all done and the dogs are roughhousing in the living room.  I decided to do my morning injections at 6:30 because that’s when I leave for work and doing my shots in my office just didn’t feel right.  We are early risers, usually I’m still up by 6:30 on the weekends (Tosh a little later) so it just made sense.  What I didn’t consider is how tired the shots seem to make me and how nice it would have been to sleep in a bit on the weekend.  Oh well, small price to pay….I’ll just take a nap later. 🙂  For those looking to see how the meds are at this stage, here we go.  The headache is pretty much constant for me, the Tylenol takes the edge off but I still feel it much of the day. I’m not bruised (except for that one bad one that hasn’t gone away) but I am a bit sore when my waistband pushes on that area.  I have noticed that I’m getting a bit bloated, I actually bought a few pairs of shorts with loose waists yesterday so that it doesn’t bother me too much.  I am starting to feel my ovaries but it comes and goes.  The best way I can describe is when it’s bad it feels like that sharp pain you get when you run faster or longer than you probably should (just a bit lower).  When it’s dull…and this is a bit embarrassing but it kind of feels like a combination of ovulating and being constipated.  I just feel full down there but there is still an underlying discomfort in my ovaries.  For those that know when they ovulate you’ll know the feeling I’m talking about.  Now that the Lupron is at a lower dose I haven’t had anymore hot flashes. The Menopur still burns going in but it’s not the end of the world. 

The game yesterday was good, we had to search all over the park for my O’douls.  I had no idea how hard it would be to find!  I never could have imagined how hard I would work to get a non-alcoholic beer but I have to say it was worth it!  So yesterday was play day, today is chore day.  Cleaning the bathrooms is my job (lucky me) and they need a good deep clean.  I know in a couple of weeks if we’re lucky I may start to have some morning sickness so I want to have a very clean bathroom floor (among other things) to enjoy from that angle!    Plus the bathtub is in the guest bathroom which we don’t use so I’m sure it’s dusty.   A lot of the comments about the Progesterone are that baths help relieve the soreness so I want to make sure that’s ready to go.  So I’m off to have a cup of tea and then to clean, happy Sunday!

Hormone City

Welcome to hormone city baby!  I haven’t been feeling bitchy, in fact after getting off the birth control pills and starting my period I feel much better in that respect.  What has started creeping in are the quick to tears overly sensitive emotions.  Now I’m a bit of a sap anyways.  I cry easily at movies, TV shows…I’m a sucker for the music they lay over an emotional scene..and I’m OK with that.  This morning however I cried watching a news story on Yahoo!  In my defense it was a story about an 18 month old puppy who saved a little boy from a swarm of bees.  Well when they got the the part about how the poor little puppy was stung over 40 times and so swollen you couldn’t recognize it I lost it….I think that’s a little over the top even for me. On the bright side I’d rather have that then to be on edge the way I was on the pill.

Other than that it has been a good morning.  The follistim went well, only one stick today. Yay!  I have been having some twinges in my ovaries but nothing too major yet.  Tomorrow is the last day I’m allowed to exercise so I’m thinking I’ll be feeling it more then.  I am however still having headaches so I’ll just have to keep up on the Tylenol.  We have tickets to an A’s game today….my first game without beer….kind of seems like cereal with out the milk.  I’m really hoping they have O’douls (yes I know it has a teeny bit of alcohol but it’s less than you’d get if you let your orange juice sit in the fridge for a week).  I know it’s not really beer but at least I get the taste with my nachos!

Rough Morning

Normally reflexes are a good thing….they help you catch the softball flying at your face at a 100mph, they keep you from getting burned too badly when you recoil from a hot pan….normally very helpful.  Today I am not happy with mine!  I got my Follistim injection ready without giving it much thought since yesterday went so easily.  I swabbed my belly, stuck in the needle and OUCH!!!  My reflex was to immediately pull the needle out….unfortunately that just means you’re going to have to stab yourself again.  Not helpful!  So I took a deep breath, moved to a different spot and gave myself the injection.  Well, Kaiser is very good about trying to save you money where you can.  Since the Follistim cartridges come filled with more than it’s label says you can get multiple shots out of one cartridge.  What this means is that you will only inject part of your dose, then you pull out the cartridge, put another one in, attach a new needle and then finish your dose.  So my piece of cake single shot this morning turned into having to stab myself 3 times which brings my total for the day (if the rest go well) to 5, sigh. I will say that I am learning where to, and where NOT to give myself a shot.  So for all you who want to avoid some pain….if your belly is like mine, stay away from the lower middle of your stomach and away from your belly button.    Also lower is better, when you get higher on you tummy it hurts more.  The tough part is that you are supposed to move around where you give the shot and I’m running out of the good spots!

On the bright side a day and a half in to stims and I’m still feeling good.  No ovary pain and just a bit of a headache.  I have had a couple of twinges in the ovary area but still nothing compared to what I felt when I took Clomid.  I did pass out last night, I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  Hard to say how much of that is the hormones and how much is the new addition to our family affecting my sleep (good practice right?).  The Menopur did sting going in, the ladies who said that were not exaggerating.  For me although not pleasant it was bearable, it seems to be more of an issue of where the needle goes in that affects my pain level. 

This weekend is Labor Day weekend, I’m looking forward to the rest!  Then Tuesday morning we go in for the first appointment to see how my follicles are coming along.  Fingers crossed all will be going well!!

Pedal To The Metal!!

Today is the beginning of another phase, our stimulation cycle.  For those of you who are not familiar with the IVF process we are moving out of the phase where we were keeping my body quite (the suppression phase) and we are now hitting the gas!  Hard!  What this means is I’m on shots 3 times a day, one is still the Lupron (smaller dose though).  Think of the Lupron as disarming the control mechanism that keeps your body from ovulating more than one egg a month….I can hear the Mission Impossible music now.  Then the other two shots, Follistim and Menopur are the stimulation drugs that make my body produce lots of follicles (better known as eggs).  So the stim medications are the gas in the car driving us to parenthood.    I had my first Follistim injection this morning and will have my first Menopur injection and my Lupron tonight.

I have to say that even after 2 weeks of giving myself the Lupron shots I was still a little nervous about the Follistim.  Instead of using a syringe like the other medications, this uses an injection pen…which is actually a cool little device.  The problem is that they made me watch this video where the woman stabs the thing into her stomach…it was a little unsettling.  So I got up early this morning to give myself plenty of time to load the pen, attach the needle and psych myself up.  I have to say it was even easier than the Lupron.  I think because with the Lupron you have to draw the shot, the needle dulls a bit on the rubber stopper which makes it not slide in so easily.  Well the Follistim needle was like a hot knife through butter, I barely felt it at all!  Nice surprise!!!!  I will say that it ached a bit for 10-15 minutes after.  Kind of like pushing on a bruise but it wasn’t bad and it didn’t last long.  We’ll see how the Menopur is tonight, I’ve heard that it stings/burns when it goes in but I’m not going to give that too much thought until I feel it myself.

The Waiting Game Is Over!!

No suspense today folks, we got a big thumbs up and are going full steam ahead!!  Those of you who who read yesterday will remember that I thought I’d get my blood results by around 1:30 so I figured I’d only be a basket case until early afternoon.  Well around 1:30 my progesterone result popped up and was good but for some reason no posting of the estrogen which was the critical factor.  2:00 came and went….3:00 came and went and my sanity was going with it so I picked up the phone and called.  I got a hold of the IVF coordinator (we’ll call him C) who is a really friendly, professional but perky,  obviously gay guy which for some reason always puts me at ease when I call.  I told him I was a little worried (I know I know it was a white lie… I was really worried) about the cyst and wanted to check in.  He put me on hold for what seemed like an eternity.  When I’ve called and asked C questions in the past he is usually quick to come back with an answer so again, I’m on pins and needles.  Finally he came back and said that my estrogen was 43.  I knew that under 50 was good from all the IVF blog cruising I had done so immediately I felt better.  He continued to tell me that my doc was happy with the result and to continue following my calendar!!!!  Wooohoooo!!!!  Here is the crazy part, I know all that was good news but I still had my little friend in my head.  Why hadn’t it gone away, could there still be trouble?  Doesn’t bleeding seem like a bad thing?  I think after 6 months of trying and not succeeding it leaves me with the feeling where I am waiting for the other shoe to drop which is something I need to work on.  Fortunately I got an email from my nurse (who obviously didn’t know I hadn’t waited patiently for her email like I should have) telling me that the results were good and to follow my calendar.  She said that the cyst had gotten smaller and asked if he had let me know that….. no he didn’t let me know that!!!! 

So now I feel great, all is well and we are starting stims tomorrow morning!  3 hormone shots a day….have I told you my wife is a saint??  OK saint may be a little overboard but I know that as hard as this has been on me, it has been as hard (or harder) on her.  I haven’t been the easiest to live with and I can only imagine what the next couple of weeks will bring.  Fortunately I know that we are strong and that it is a small step in the journey towards having our family.

Say Hello To My Little Friend

So today was the big day, blood work at 7am and ultrasound at 8.  Unfortunately Tosh wasn’t able to make it today since she had to open the store, so I was on my own… which left lots of time for my head to spin out about my little friend.  That is what I’m now calling my cyst, I figure it’s part of me (at least for now) and you catch more flies with honey right?  Also, I just love a good classic movie reference!  Blood work went as smoothly as it could, the Kaiser team is so good at it that I don’t even stress over going in for a blood draw anymore.  I got to the fertility clinic at 7:30 and waited to be called back until a little after 8….more time, lucky me! 

The doctor asked me how things were going, I told him I was a little worried about the cyst.  He remembered that my labs were OK last time so he reiteratedthat he thought it would be disappearing or gone.  He started the ultrasound by looking at my uterine lining which was nice and thin.  Hey, at least part of me is!! Then he went to my right ovary….and…hello there little friend!  It was still there and to me looked the same size.  The doc proceeds to tell me that it looks like it’s going away because it’s turning gray…and then no, maybe it’s just bleeding into itself.  Fantastic!  So to me as a lay person (not to mention it’s my ovary he’s talking about), “bleeding into itself” just doesn’t sound good.  Am I crazy?  However my doc just keeps going about the exam like he just told me it’s a sunny day outside, no big deal.  He tells me the left ovary still looks great and the nurse flips on the lights.  He asked when I start my stimulation meds and when my next appointment was and then I asked so what about the cyst?????  He says he doesn’t see a reason not to go ahead as planned as long as my labs are OK again.  Cue deep sigh of relief! 

He told me that I won’t hear from them unless there is a problem with the labs (if my estrogen is too high).   So I leave the office mostly content figuring all is well.  No news is good news, sounds good to me….that lasted about 20 minutes.  Now I consider myself a fairly logical and rational person….however my brain doesn’t seem to be working that way on this one (can I blame the hormones?).  I know that my doc said no big deal…I know he said they’ll only call if there is a problem.  Somehow I still find myself looking up my last blood results to see what time the test results came in (1:30pm by the way) so at least I know how long I have to be completely insane.  I also emailed my nurse/case manager to ask her to email me the results when she gets them, just in case she gets them before the auto generated email comes.  I just need to know.  In the mean time I will be whispering sweet nothings to my little friend hoping to keep her happy.

Preparing For Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day, the last baseline testing before my stimulation cycle starts Thursday.  Until today I’ve been trying not to focus on it but now that it’s almost here that just isn’t working.  I know I’m just concerned about the cyst that they found on my ovary during my last ultrasound.  Knowing that an ovarian cyst is one of the few reasons they will call off an IVF cycle is weighing heavily on me right now.  Hopefully the doctor is right and when they take a look it will have gone away on it’s own.  Either way at least by tomorrow at this time we’ll know if we are going full steam ahead or taking a detour.  In the mean time I’ll be struggling to keep my eyes open today.  Tosh didn’t get home from her work event until 11 last night, Bella was up to potty at 2am and then back up with Tosh before 5am…anyone got any toothpicks??